He is Preparing the Way..

July 1, 2011

It has taken me some time to muster up the ability to write to you today. I wanted to write to you all a few months ago but have been wrestling still with what I would say. So today I share with you a glimpse of my heart.

I returned home from a short two weeks in Spain on April 8, 2011, and my heart was swelling with emotions.

How I was feeling exactly was difficult for me to articulate which was frustrating and a little numbing. People would ask about Spain and all I could say was that it was pretty and that it looked like a very difficult and needy mission field. I knew that Spain’s beauty would never keep me there, and I feared that its hard soil and my loneliness would eventually send me home.  The reality of missions to the beautiful and eloquent country and culture that captured my heart was going to be more difficult to move to then I ever expected. I was hoping God’s call on my life for His mission would be enough to keep me there…and I suppose I still am hoping for that.

I have many hesitations still about leaving my family and friends and life here in Canada, and I have many realistic fears about going to a foreign land for potentially a lifetime or as long as the Lord calls me to His work. Also, in many ways I feel inadequate to the work he is calling me to, unworthy and unprepared... And yet it lingers over me, as though I cannot run from it. It seems that He still wants to use me even though I am not perfect and that I do not have everything figured out. He is preparing the way for me, and I would be a fool to not walk in it, because I know that there is nothing else in this life that is as satisfying as walking in His will.

So truly, with tears of loss of a life here and gain of a future in Spain, I continue to press forward in this journey that My God has me on. 

Vulnerable Swelling Emotions

June 24, 2011

It is nearly over two months now that I have been home from my vision trip to Spain. While I was there I felt that I was swelling with emotions that I didn’t know how to articulate. Whenever I was asked how I was doing, an overwhelming sense of loneliness was what seemed to predominate how I was feeling.

In my last post, I wrote of the affirmation that I had received while in Spain in that there was need there for the ministry God is using me for, with the Gospel.  Spain needs seed sowers to provoke the people to consider getting to know more intimately their Savior.

My challenge has been that the swelling of emotions both in Spain and now since returning home as well, has caused me to dig in my heels a bit.  But it was the loneliness that I couldn’t escape from that has instigated a question in me that I thought I already was at peace with…”can I go to the mission field alone?”

I have heard many responses about the matter…some say simply trust that God will provide, and I completely agree. But am I trusting that he will provide a husband? OR that he will provide to fill the void of loneliness? If it’s a husband why would I rush out to Spain and anticipate among the already sparse population of Christians there that one-day my man will come? Or will he join me there by surprise as a missionary intending to do the same ministry as me? If it’s a void I am trusting for Him to fill, then I must hear from Him that this has been His calling for me to be alone, because after-all, that too is a calling. One thing that I am still clinging to, is that I feel called to Spain, however, does it matter just how soon I get out there?

So teach me Lord, how to live in preparation for what you have in mind for me. Spain is still where I am moving towards with You, and so allow me to move toward that as much as you will me to. And teach me to live in preparation for a husband, or a life of solitude, for as long as you have in mind for me.