He is Preparing the Way..

July 1, 2011

It has taken me some time to muster up the ability to write to you today. I wanted to write to you all a few months ago but have been wrestling still with what I would say. So today I share with you a glimpse of my heart.

I returned home from a short two weeks in Spain on April 8, 2011, and my heart was swelling with emotions.

How I was feeling exactly was difficult for me to articulate which was frustrating and a little numbing. People would ask about Spain and all I could say was that it was pretty and that it looked like a very difficult and needy mission field. I knew that Spain’s beauty would never keep me there, and I feared that its hard soil and my loneliness would eventually send me home.  The reality of missions to the beautiful and eloquent country and culture that captured my heart was going to be more difficult to move to then I ever expected. I was hoping God’s call on my life for His mission would be enough to keep me there…and I suppose I still am hoping for that.

I have many hesitations still about leaving my family and friends and life here in Canada, and I have many realistic fears about going to a foreign land for potentially a lifetime or as long as the Lord calls me to His work. Also, in many ways I feel inadequate to the work he is calling me to, unworthy and unprepared... And yet it lingers over me, as though I cannot run from it. It seems that He still wants to use me even though I am not perfect and that I do not have everything figured out. He is preparing the way for me, and I would be a fool to not walk in it, because I know that there is nothing else in this life that is as satisfying as walking in His will.

So truly, with tears of loss of a life here and gain of a future in Spain, I continue to press forward in this journey that My God has me on.