The hardest part… was not that I couldn’t get on the plane,
even though that brought about its fair share of crocodile tears. The hardest
part, was learning how to live each day since, without knowing my
future…without knowing how long I would be waiting…without knowing if my
waiting would lead to another plane ride, or if not, then what there would be
instead. The hardest part... was simply not knowing.
Time is a strange thing; so is waiting, and not knowing. And
even the most prominent men and women of the bible know how real this all
feels. And my God knows how easily my heart stirs with dreams too big for me,
but equally so with the anxieties of all the uncertainties of those dreams
coming true. Or even what to pursue when the dreams seem blurred or out of
sight.
It has taken me a long time to process this last year of
delay since having to officially step back from pursuing ministry in
Spain. And I do not know what He has in
mind for me.
I consider how the dream began, 8 years ago, in the whisper
of the early morning when my God asked me to wake up, and to get on my knees
and pray for the nations. And there, as he stirred my heart, tears filled my
eyes for the lost souls of people far from the gospel, and knowing that in
their ignorance to, and/or rejection of Christ that they would die. I prayed
for those who would bring the gospel to them, and it was there, that the Lord
asked me, “WOULD YOU GO?”.
On that night, I very reluctantly accepted the task that was
too big for me, as I was already anticipating all the reasons I was not best
suited for such a call. I made my list
to God: from my insecurities, my lack of education, and my weaknesses that
followed me from coming from a broken home. It had no effect, and again He pressed
me with the question, “WOULD YOU?”.
Since that day, the Lord grew in me a dream that had never
been my own. Encouraged through events in my life, He confirmed in me that he
was equipping me for the ministry of the gospel. I fervently moved toward the
plans that He had for me in overseas ministry, in bringing the gospel to the
ends of the earth.
It began in Ukraine, a 3 month internship with SEND
International, where I spend my days hanging out with the youth in the local
church, the weekends in the orphanage, and my spare time in my tiny Ukrainian
bedroom with pink floral wallpaper and a rock solid sofa bed, next to my four
story window overlooking the park and all those who walked by. I had no
computer, no tv, no radio. All I had was my Bible and an overflowing journal
filled with prayers and processing thoughts of this foreign land that had
become my temporary home. I had never experienced such richness in my
relationship with the Lord as much as I had in these months. My lack of Russian
and long undistracted hours forced me to either talk to myself or to my God. He
needed me here in this posture; this was the first step to confirming to me
that He was with me, would never leave me, and that the list I gave him for not
measuring up was actually best suited to my dependency on him for such a call.
I would never be able to say I was able to accomplish such a call on my own
strength.
When I returned to Canada, I tried to maintain the same nearness
to God, but my comfortable life robbed me of such intimacy. Over those
remaining 4 years of Bible College I had teetered back and forth in my
emotional acceptance of His call, although still I pursued it. His
un-relinquishing call remained and it seemed independent of what I felt or how
I might occasionally get insecure and try to run from it. He would simply ground
me and remind me, He was with me, and he would accomplish his plans through me
regardless of my abilities, and that it was through my obedience that He would
move.
I was comforted reading Jonah and that I wasn’t alone in my
wavering, and how regardless of whether Jonah convincingly shared the gospel
with the Ninevites or not, even in his unconvinced spirit to permit them to be
saved, God used him anyway simply because he was available and obedient. Jonah
was a mouthpiece and an instrument, and God was the one who accomplished His
purpose through Jonah. The results were not dependent on Jonah, only the act of
obedience to be used by God, and God did the rest. When I understood this, I
realized that I couldn’t mess this up, If God called me, then I best be
obedient and go, lest I get swallowed by a fish, and if I simply were willing,
then regardless of my abilities, God would accomplish his will through me,
through HIS ability.
In the four years longer after graduation till now, I re-lived
the story of Jonah in my own way again and again, back and forth between my
fear and Gods firm hand of direction. Not in confidence of my skills, but
rather through obedience, I applied with SEND as a career missionary to Spain,
and the years after I applied myself to the process of raising the support it
required to get there. Many moments of trial and encouragement came through
this, and God strengthened me in my resolve. I pressed on.
I was drawn to biblical stories of Gods leading and call;
his using simple people, and seeing their response. From Noah’s unwavering
obedience to building an arc and preparing for an unrealistic world flood,
despite how others may have thought him crazy. Or Abraham’s obedience to leave
his country not knowing where he was going, facing trials of many kinds,
towards a promise he had no certainty that it would come to pass. Or Moses,
leading the Israelites out of Egypt on a promise that the Lord would save them
even though they wandered destitute in the desert for 40 years and all grumbled
that he made the wrong choice, and he persevered holding onto the promise the
Lord had given him. Or Joshua, trusting God that he would be freed from prison
and that would one-day rule over his brothers. Or there is this lingering story
in Acts that remained with me for years; Paul’s dream, the Macedonian call. His
wandering in the land, knowing that he was called by the Lord to go and preach
the good news to the gentiles, seemingly not knowing where he was supposed to
go, and being withheld from preaching the gospel in the first two places they
went. And they were likely exhausted by the time they reached as far as the
land would take them, near the coast at Troas. And in Troas, he falls asleep,
and he has a vision that he was called
to Macedonia. Remarkably on this inkling, he carries across the waters to
Macedonia, likely because he knows that if he is wrong, that the Lord will
redirect his steps as he already had twice before.
Again I am reminded that I cant mess this up, I just have to
trust the Lord with the call to ministry that he has given me even if I don’t
understand it. I keep pressing on, as he leads, and sometimes its forward, and
sometimes its not. I don’t know how long I will wait to see his promises.
Whether still building the preposterous arc, or wandering the lands unknown,
maybe across the desert for 40 years, or a drastic step backward cast into a
prison where the promise seems less and less likely. Or maybe just listening to
God’s leading, one foot after the other, to his subtle whisper I heard once
before, that might even withhold me from a place for a time or even an
eternity, or lead me directly in the morning; but regardless I can be sure to keep
pressing on. Because, I would rather act on inkling then not act at all. The
greatest accomplishments through God were made in action, and often looked
ludicrous at the time. Preparing for
Spain, and not yet going to Spain, were both a result of Gods hand, his
equipping and his leading. For reasons I cannot comprehend, he led me to the
very departure date, and also caused me to pass over it, and He was in them
both.
He is still in control, and I don’t know what he has in
store for my future, and I know the journey won’t always make sense, or be
comfortable, or be linier. But I know he is with me, he loves me, and that I
can trust him with my life today and in the future. And I am ready to be used
by him, and I want to obey and follow him always no matter where or when. I don’t know what he has in mind for my
future, but I trust that he is in it as much as he is with me now. I praise him for the journey, and my
understanding and view is so limited but I know His is not. I’m not about to
give up now; I know I do not know the way. He has so faithfully led me this
far, and I am delighted that he is mindful of this little girl. My next steps
are crucial as my previous steps, depend on the Spirit in all things, to walk
humbly and faithfully with my God, listening for his direction, and be obedient
to all he calls me to. Why make life any more complicated then this? For in
him, we are caused to live, and move, and breathe, to know Him, and accomplish
through His Spirit all he calls us to. One day at a time.
