Vulnerable Swelling Emotions

June 24, 2011

It is nearly over two months now that I have been home from my vision trip to Spain. While I was there I felt that I was swelling with emotions that I didn’t know how to articulate. Whenever I was asked how I was doing, an overwhelming sense of loneliness was what seemed to predominate how I was feeling.

In my last post, I wrote of the affirmation that I had received while in Spain in that there was need there for the ministry God is using me for, with the Gospel.  Spain needs seed sowers to provoke the people to consider getting to know more intimately their Savior.

My challenge has been that the swelling of emotions both in Spain and now since returning home as well, has caused me to dig in my heels a bit.  But it was the loneliness that I couldn’t escape from that has instigated a question in me that I thought I already was at peace with…”can I go to the mission field alone?”

I have heard many responses about the matter…some say simply trust that God will provide, and I completely agree. But am I trusting that he will provide a husband? OR that he will provide to fill the void of loneliness? If it’s a husband why would I rush out to Spain and anticipate among the already sparse population of Christians there that one-day my man will come? Or will he join me there by surprise as a missionary intending to do the same ministry as me? If it’s a void I am trusting for Him to fill, then I must hear from Him that this has been His calling for me to be alone, because after-all, that too is a calling. One thing that I am still clinging to, is that I feel called to Spain, however, does it matter just how soon I get out there?

So teach me Lord, how to live in preparation for what you have in mind for me. Spain is still where I am moving towards with You, and so allow me to move toward that as much as you will me to. And teach me to live in preparation for a husband, or a life of solitude, for as long as you have in mind for me.