Saturday, February 8, 2014

Time is a strange thing; so is waiting, and not knowing.



 The hardest part… was not that I couldn’t get on the plane, even though that brought about its fair share of crocodile tears. The hardest part, was learning how to live each day since, without knowing my future…without knowing how long I would be waiting…without knowing if my waiting would lead to another plane ride, or if not, then what there would be instead. The hardest part... was simply not knowing.

Time is a strange thing; so is waiting, and not knowing. And even the most prominent men and women of the bible know how real this all feels. And my God knows how easily my heart stirs with dreams too big for me, but equally so with the anxieties of all the uncertainties of those dreams coming true. Or even what to pursue when the dreams seem blurred or out of sight.

It has taken me a long time to process this last year of delay since having to officially step back from pursuing ministry in Spain.  And I do not know what He has in mind for me.

I consider how the dream began, 8 years ago, in the whisper of the early morning when my God asked me to wake up, and to get on my knees and pray for the nations. And there, as he stirred my heart, tears filled my eyes for the lost souls of people far from the gospel, and knowing that in their ignorance to, and/or rejection of Christ that they would die. I prayed for those who would bring the gospel to them, and it was there, that the Lord asked me, “WOULD YOU GO?”.

On that night, I very reluctantly accepted the task that was too big for me, as I was already anticipating all the reasons I was not best suited for such a call.  I made my list to God: from my insecurities, my lack of education, and my weaknesses that followed me from coming from a broken home. It had no effect, and again He pressed me with the question,  WOULD YOU?”. 

Since that day, the Lord grew in me a dream that had never been my own. Encouraged through events in my life, He confirmed in me that he was equipping me for the ministry of the gospel. I fervently moved toward the plans that He had for me in overseas ministry, in bringing the gospel to the ends of the earth.

It began in Ukraine, a 3 month internship with SEND International, where I spend my days hanging out with the youth in the local church, the weekends in the orphanage, and my spare time in my tiny Ukrainian bedroom with pink floral wallpaper and a rock solid sofa bed, next to my four story window overlooking the park and all those who walked by. I had no computer, no tv, no radio. All I had was my Bible and an overflowing journal filled with prayers and processing thoughts of this foreign land that had become my temporary home. I had never experienced such richness in my relationship with the Lord as much as I had in these months. My lack of Russian and long undistracted hours forced me to either talk to myself or to my God. He needed me here in this posture; this was the first step to confirming to me that He was with me, would never leave me, and that the list I gave him for not measuring up was actually best suited to my dependency on him for such a call. I would never be able to say I was able to accomplish such a call on my own strength.


When I returned to Canada, I tried to maintain the same nearness to God, but my comfortable life robbed me of such intimacy. Over those remaining 4 years of Bible College I had teetered back and forth in my emotional acceptance of His call, although still I pursued it. His un-relinquishing call remained and it seemed independent of what I felt or how I might occasionally get insecure and try to run from it. He would simply ground me and remind me, He was with me, and he would accomplish his plans through me regardless of my abilities, and that it was through my obedience that He would move.

I was comforted reading Jonah and that I wasn’t alone in my wavering, and how regardless of whether Jonah convincingly shared the gospel with the Ninevites or not, even in his unconvinced spirit to permit them to be saved, God used him anyway simply because he was available and obedient. Jonah was a mouthpiece and an instrument, and God was the one who accomplished His purpose through Jonah. The results were not dependent on Jonah, only the act of obedience to be used by God, and God did the rest. When I understood this, I realized that I couldn’t mess this up, If God called me, then I best be obedient and go, lest I get swallowed by a fish, and if I simply were willing, then regardless of my abilities, God would accomplish his will through me, through HIS ability.

In the four years longer after graduation till now, I re-lived the story of Jonah in my own way again and again, back and forth between my fear and Gods firm hand of direction. Not in confidence of my skills, but rather through obedience, I applied with SEND as a career missionary to Spain, and the years after I applied myself to the process of raising the support it required to get there. Many moments of trial and encouragement came through this, and God strengthened me in my resolve. I pressed on.


I was drawn to biblical stories of Gods leading and call; his using simple people, and seeing their response. From Noah’s unwavering obedience to building an arc and preparing for an unrealistic world flood, despite how others may have thought him crazy. Or Abraham’s obedience to leave his country not knowing where he was going, facing trials of many kinds, towards a promise he had no certainty that it would come to pass. Or Moses, leading the Israelites out of Egypt on a promise that the Lord would save them even though they wandered destitute in the desert for 40 years and all grumbled that he made the wrong choice, and he persevered holding onto the promise the Lord had given him. Or Joshua, trusting God that he would be freed from prison and that would one-day rule over his brothers. Or there is this lingering story in Acts that remained with me for years; Paul’s dream, the Macedonian call. His wandering in the land, knowing that he was called by the Lord to go and preach the good news to the gentiles, seemingly not knowing where he was supposed to go, and being withheld from preaching the gospel in the first two places they went. And they were likely exhausted by the time they reached as far as the land would take them, near the coast at Troas. And in Troas, he falls asleep, and  he has a vision that he was called to Macedonia. Remarkably on this inkling, he carries across the waters to Macedonia, likely because he knows that if he is wrong, that the Lord will redirect his steps as he already had twice before. 

Again I am reminded that I cant mess this up, I just have to trust the Lord with the call to ministry that he has given me even if I don’t understand it. I keep pressing on, as he leads, and sometimes its forward, and sometimes its not. I don’t know how long I will wait to see his promises. Whether still building the preposterous arc, or wandering the lands unknown, maybe across the desert for 40 years, or a drastic step backward cast into a prison where the promise seems less and less likely. Or maybe just listening to God’s leading, one foot after the other, to his subtle whisper I heard once before, that might even withhold me from a place for a time or even an eternity, or lead me directly in the morning; but regardless I can be sure to keep pressing on. Because, I would rather act on inkling then not act at all. The greatest accomplishments through God were made in action, and often looked ludicrous at the time.  Preparing for Spain, and not yet going to Spain, were both a result of Gods hand, his equipping and his leading. For reasons I cannot comprehend, he led me to the very departure date, and also caused me to pass over it, and He was in them both.

He is still in control, and I don’t know what he has in store for my future, and I know the journey won’t always make sense, or be comfortable, or be linier. But I know he is with me, he loves me, and that I can trust him with my life today and in the future. And I am ready to be used by him, and I want to obey and follow him always no matter where or when.  I don’t know what he has in mind for my future, but I trust that he is in it as much as he is with me now.  I praise him for the journey, and my understanding and view is so limited but I know His is not. I’m not about to give up now; I know I do not know the way. He has so faithfully led me this far, and I am delighted that he is mindful of this little girl. My next steps are crucial as my previous steps, depend on the Spirit in all things, to walk humbly and faithfully with my God, listening for his direction, and be obedient to all he calls me to. Why make life any more complicated then this? For in him, we are caused to live, and move, and breathe, to know Him, and accomplish through His Spirit all he calls us to. One day at a time.




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