You see, I was taking the class as an elective and it didn't fit in with my plan; I was planning on being a social worker. And after sitting through this class, I was certain that I would never be a missionary. I had initially discovered this class through a friend of mine who informed me that it was a one year mission program that would allow me to use the overseas missions trip as my social work internship. The classes I was able to use as filler for the free electives I still had left in my Social Work degree, and they didn't even have to apply to my degree at all. I thought why not?
Over the next three months I endured intensive mission lectures learning of Gods global heart and that his plan from the beginning was that all nations would know him, and that he used us, his church, to make Him known. I also was challenged again and again that although not everyone was called to go, we are all called to pray for the Lord to raise up workers for the harvest, for the harvest is plentiful but the workers are few. (Luke 10:1-3) Our professors were accredited missionaries from the mission field and they would also challenge us to pray for the nations. So with the many challenges already presented to me, I decided to take on the task of asking the Lord to send more missionaries to spiritually deprived countries that didn't know him, and I began praying for the nations. In those three months I began to feel the Lord grow my heart and it dawned on me that he might be nudging me in this direction. I reflected back to this first missions class that I had and I was certain that I did not have what it took to be a missionary. I cried out loud to God, "You dont understand, Im so small, Im so insecure, I didnt even graduate high school. Im really just a little girl. What could I possibly offer you Lord?", but despite my pleas I continued to feel him nudging me, and asking me, "WOULD you go?".
Perhaps it was the thought that I still had some freedom in making the decision that I was eventually able to respond to him, "Yes, if you think you could use this broken little girl, then I will be available to be used by you, if you lead me there." I went overseas to Ukraine with SEND International and the Lord confirmed this call to me time and time again, to bring his gospel to the nations. Strangely I didn't ever feel adequate to the call, but I felt confident in the one who called me, and though Him I witnessed the greatest miracle of Gods strength even through my weaknesses. When I returned back to college from my overseas internship in Ukraine, I switched my degree to Intercultural Studies and Leadership Development, and I finished this B.A. by 2009 after 5 years of study.
Admittedly, even seven years later and after many years of training I still wrestle with my adequacy; but then I go back to the Word and am reminded that the Lord doesn't call those who are most able, but rather he enables those he calls. I witnessed first hand that He would move through my simple obedience, and the victories and life of being in His will is enough to enable me a thousand times over to keep stepping out. However, even still, here I am now going to Spain with trembling hands and shaky knees, counting the cost of discipleship and always testing the Lord if this is His will. But every time that I do, he confirms it to me, and sometimes I don't get it, but I trust my God that he will equip me in all that he calls me to, because he is faithful.
I love this song that I found, called Are you Sure by Bethany Dillon. It reminds me of His call for me, and my fears, and my heart. I want to share it with you. These are a few lines that stand out to me. Enjoy.
Everything within me doesn't want to risk
Doesn't want to risk anymoreBut if it means I get to see the light in your eyes
I'll risk so much more
I've never heard of something that sweet
But are you sure you want me?
I won't be full of second guesses
So now I'll just sit and think about how sweet this is.
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